Scientists love to tell us how we're killing the earth with our indulgences. One day its perfectly fine to hunt spotted owls in old growth forest with a hairspray-fueled flamethrower and the next it's a travesty. I don't get it either.
It's bad enough they're robbing us of our simple pleasures, but they're making hard just to function. If you believe the "facts", you can't even hit the gas on your SUV without 312 of these adorable Pygmy Possums spontaneously croaking.
"Never mind our genocide, you have a mini-mall to get to. We understand."
Even the most jaded among us probably felt a twinge of guilt when you considered how our actions impact that doe-eyed critter. They really are endangered, even more so when you factor in the 7 of them I shook to death for my morning workout. However, for every adorable critter we've pushed to the brink of extinction, we're also doing our part to destroy a bunch of butt-ugly ones too.
If we all do our part to waste natural resources, the ten horrorshows below will soon be a distant memory. It may seem an impossible dream, but as Lao Tzu once said, "A journey of 1,000 miles starts with a single murder."
1. Hybrid Spider Monkey
Also known as the OMGutaun and Sex Doll Monkey, the hybrid spider monkey lives in small, fragmented populations in Colombia and Venezuela. Humans occasionally hunt them for food, but mostly because that surprised look on their face before they get capped is just priceless.
Mankind has been encroaching on their habitat for years for agricultural purposes. This is unfortunate, but, as any aficionado of Venezuelan blow can tell you, it's totally worth it. The government has attempted to stave this off by sponsoring an anti-drug ad campaign, but so far it has only yielded giggles:
2. California Condor
You've probably heard the old adage "A face only a mother could love". The California condor tests that assertion freshly hatched and then pushes the boundaries further with each day it lives:
If it were aborted, would you know the difference?
People are quick to blame pesticides and loss of habitat for the endangerment of this bird, but it has to have occurred to someone that even their own mothers probably deem them too fugly to live.
This condor is unusual in that it is monogamous and pair-bonds for life. It would be even more interesting if anyone believed that a bird looking like this had any chance in playing the field:
3. Axolotl
This first runner-up in the Endangered Animal Most Resembling My Penis With A Fur Collar competition represents the best reason not to trust Al Gore. He's free to bombard us with as many unfortunate truths about global warming as he likes, but when he doesn't mention punting this creature as an ancillary benefit of it, he's just not being 100% honest.
The axolotl not only has to contend with climate changes vanishing their habitat, but many Mexico City locals collect them for pets. It's a great gift for children to whom you wish to impart "I love you, but not enough to buy you puppy."
4. California Freshwater Shrimp
This creature's rather slight build is probably part of a defense strategy. By remaining largely translucent it will certainly not stand out to predators. It's just a shame that evolution left the visible 20% looking like hunchbacked, scaly turd-casing.
Hiding is also part of its M.O. in terms of habitat choice. It prefers to live in the overhanging vegetation and exposed root structures in riverbeds, much of which is disturbed by local industries (mining, timber harvesting, etc.). The real crime is that these disgusting creatures are more than happy to hide away and industrial greed is now forcing me to look at them. Up yours, mining.
5. Helmeted Hornbill
People always joke that the playpus is an odd assortment of parts, yet it somehow retains a unique charm. This bird looks like someone tried to recreate that magic by cobbling some lung tumors and a massive beak-colored zit together. They failed.
The hornbill's casque is considered very valuable as a source "ivory" for carving tools. Not that cutting off the head isn't its own reward.
6. Aye-Aye
This is an aye-aye after a 3-day weekend filled with ample sleep, gourmet cooking, daily Swedish massages, and hatha yoga sessions. It still has the crazed, harried look of a creature recently dragged behind a truck on a road paved with cactus needles.
The nocturnal lemur is thwarted by both diminishing habitat and the locals' belief that it is an omen of death. This silly superstition is based on nothing more than than the fact that the Aye-Aye is entirely unafraid of humans, the perpetual sneering of its rodent-like teeth, that its long skeletal fingers are designed for harvesting grubs, insects, and souls, that its eyes perpetually burn with flickering hellfire, and that someone in the village dies every time an Aye-Aye crosses their path. Silly backwards primitives!
7. Uakari
The
uakari, or Poor Cranial Circulation Monkey, lives in trees in western Brazil and eastern Peru. It is also the winner of the aforementioned Endangered Animal Most Resembling My Penis With A Fur Collar competition, but that really says more about my penis than this similarly unattractive creature. No more topical cream orders from the internet for me!
Their name comes from the indigenous term for "Dutchmen", likely a reference to the sunburned faces of European explorers that uncovered their sunny shores. The Europeans took the joke in stride and playfully got them back by tainting all their gifts to the natives with smallpox.
8. Purple Burrowing Frog
This isn't just a pile of sentient mucus, it's a marketing opportunity:
The south Indian habitat of these burrowing frogs is being encroached upon by the growing needs of the coffee crop. If someone told me I was going to be killing a poor defenseless animal just to enjoy my coffee, I might actually feel a twinge of guilt (though I'd probably mistake it for gas...coffee doesn't sit well with me). But if someone told me it was this monstrosity, I'd probably order a carafe to go. Are you pickin up what I'm sending out, Starbucks?
9. Dugongs
It's hard to imagine how a creature like this could possibly be endangered. You would think that a fat, sedentary dim-witted bottom feeder that would be out-maneuvered by your average slug would would sitting pretty at the top of the food chain, but somehow that hasn't manifested.
The dugong may look like a seal struck with an inflammatory allergic reaction, but it is actually a close cousin of the manatee. Similarly, they suffer issues with destruction of habitat through runoff polution, though the dugong is unique in that it is also prized as a source of meat and oil. They are hunted by placing a large net twenty feet in front of them, which will ensnare them upon reaching it 3 days later.
10. Snake Skin Hunter Slug
Slugs aren't generally known for their rakish good looks, so to stand out as repulsive by their standard is really noteworthy. This slug not only emulates the color of vomit, it goes the extra mile to copycat its texture as well.
Not a lot is known about this creature. This is partly due to them being so scarce, partly because no biologist wants to pull the short straw and spend their day studying a yellow turd.
Special thanks to Scientific American and the Endangered Ugly Blog.
